Lengths

The list of names is longer
Than both my arms put end to end,
It is longer than all my hair torn out,
Flattened by my fretful hands, and glued
Root to tip, tip to root, in lengths of grief.

Husband, son, mother, aunt, sister, niece,
Friend, cousin, grandparent.
The list of names is longer than my longest breaths:
Colleagues who won my respect,
Icons I’ve come to call mine own.

You could wrap this
Numbing blanket around me
For days, weeks, years,
And never reach the end.

My tears have run dry
Replenished themselves,
Run dry again, flowed without mercy
In this process that
Pauses only to continue
At startling times of day and night.

There is no varying weight
To the losses. Each one strikes
A mortal blow. Each loss is
Shaped differently,
But the taste in my mouth
Is the same: Metallic bitterness
Spiked with that lost sweetness
I will never regain.

Each one is a precious treasure
That takes with them the part
Of my heart that they came home to.

Each one has a shrine
That none other can touch.

Each loss brings me
Closer to the heaven I seek:
I will turn myself into an angel,
Feather by feather,
Growing wings
So I can fly to them
When my time comes.

The only question
On my lips
Is how long
I will have to
Be what my lost loves
Were to me
For those who wait with me.

I take the deepest breaths
And dive back into life.
Death hasn’t come for me yet.